If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
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Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
it be like that
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Um … Hot Wings please
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.