Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
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I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
wish me luck lads
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
BRO LMFAO
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs