I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
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Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
This meal prepping shit is easy
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.