the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
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Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.