The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
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Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*