Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
You Might Also Like
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*