Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
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I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
So we got a goldfish…
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.