1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
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living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
secret recipe