If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
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Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
when you are just born a rebel
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.