What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
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Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
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What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes