Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
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I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.