It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
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My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*