What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
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I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above