Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
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In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.