“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
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Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.