My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.