I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
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inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
When the stylist spins you back around
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]