My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
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Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
the prophecy has been fulfilled