You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
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How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?