[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.