“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
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Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.