Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
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25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture