I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
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yeah 😭
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”