Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
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RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.