Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
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can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Cha-ching is my safe word
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
WHO DID THIS?
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]