[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
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Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
doing some research
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!