Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
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I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles