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Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain