I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
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if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Batman v Dracula
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.