Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
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Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.