Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
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As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
🐕🍷
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.