ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
accurate
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker