Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
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If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
gm
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.