I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
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me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”