A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
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Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.