I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
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sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Time heals everything 🙂
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree