I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
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“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose