Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
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Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Well, this explains it:
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops