She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
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Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
The little toadstool has spoken.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
This a good idea
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.