Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
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the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
⚠️ Important Reminder:
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
My wife gives the best headache.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.