Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
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USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.