[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
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Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
The Birdles
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.