Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
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Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
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