My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Thursday Thought.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Rich people don’t understand cereal
People buying plungers never look happy.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip