a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
You Might Also Like
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.