I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
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I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Maths meets science
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I hope Alan is OK
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.