Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
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I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
How does one answer this?
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.