I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
You Might Also Like
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.