Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
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[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
fr
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
No. He’s not coming out to play
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
*offers Batman cough drops*
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone