I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
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Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Two types of dogs.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.